Dinner For One or The Ninetieth Birthday
by drowsyfantasy
Summary: Based on the movie of the same title.


Authoress' note: I do not own any part of Hellsing. I do not own the "The 90th Birthday -- or Dinner for One" _film. I learned about it in German class. Miss Sophie is celebrating her 90th birthday, but all her "guests" have died. No matter, she calls upon her trusty butler, James, to serve the meal and subsequently they both get _thoroughly _sloshed. This is the Hellsing version. A hint of WXI and AXS. Enjoy._

"The 90th Birthday -- or Dinner for One" thoroughly 

Walter walked slowly down the stairs. He was really old now, and his stiff leg was acting up again. As he went to set up the table for Sir Integra's 90th birthday dinner, he tripped over the handsome tiger-skin rug. Staring at it with a foul expression on his face, he continued to put out plates.

Suddenly, at the top of the stairs appeared Sir Integra. Walter hurried to help her down the stairs. He drew the chair out for her, and she sat down.

"Now Walter, is everyone here yet?"

At this point Alucard and Seras walked through the door (Well, Alucard walked through the wall.) and sat down at their places (well, they're dead so they count as dead party guests).

"Yes, Sir, they're all here and accounted for."

"Alucard?" Sir Integra inquired, to the vampire sitting at her left.

"Of course, my Master." he said, kissing her hand.

"Oh, I'm so pleased." she turned to the empty seat on his left. "And you, Ferguson?"

Walter hobbled around. " -_cough- _Of course, Sir Integral."

"Good to see you again. And Sergeant Packman?"

Again, Walter raced and tripped over the tiger's head. "Here, Sir!"

"And Miss Victoria, are you pleased to be here?"

"Always, Sir." Seras said nervously. Sir Integra had done this every year…

"Now, Walter, I think we'll have dinner. Serve the soup. And I think we'll have sherry with the soup."

"Yes, Sir." Walter went back and tripped on the rug.

Seras giggled.

As Walter went around, he gave soup only to Integra, as she was the only one who could eat it. As he was about to pour the wine, he stopped.

"Same procedure as last year, Sir?"

"Same procedure as every year, Walter." she replied joyfully. Walter poured her a glass of sherry, poured one for Alucard, the two other "guests" and Seras.

As Alucard did not drink sherry, Walter picked up his glass.

"Happy Birthday, Master." Alucard said cheekily as Walter downed the drink. Doing the same with the others, he tripped again over the rug.

"It's very nice to be here, Sir Integral." Seras said. Walter drank her glass down.

"I think we'll have fish next. And white wine with the fish."

Walter went to get the fish and promptly tripped on the tiger skin rug.

As he served the fish and was about to pour the wine, he bent low to Sir Integral's ear: "Same procedure as last year, Sir?"

"Same procedure as every year, Walter."

So he poured everyone their white wine. (Tripping, of course, on the rug.)

As he got back to the original place, Alucard toasted Sir Integral's birthday with a "for she's a jolly good fellow" and Walter poured the wine down his throat. Tripping over the rug to get to Seras, he repeated the same procedure as before. Seras smiled apologetically. Walter shrugged knowingly and hiccoughed slightly before returning to stand by Sir Integral at the head of the table.

"Now, Walter, you may serve the bird. We'll have champagne with the bird."

"An excellent choice, Master." said Alucard.

So he went to get the 'bird'. Tripping over the rug as he did so. He served Sir Integral her meal, then sighed and lifted the champagne bottle.

"Same procedure as last year, Sir?"

"Same procedure as every year, Walter."

He poured everyone their champagne, the vampires toasted Sir Integral, and Walter downed all four untouched glasses. By the time he was back to Sir Integral, she had finished her meal and was ready for dessert. Walter was ready to fall over.

"And now for dessert. Serve the pudding, Walter. And I'd like port with the pudding."

Walter sighed, hiccoughed, tripped over the tiger skin rug, reported back and was about to pour the port. He had one last chance: "Same procedure as last year, Sir?"

"Same procedure as every year, Walter."

So he dutifully poured everyone their drink. By this time, Seras was feeling embarrassed.

"I'm so sorry she does this to you every year." she said to Walter, as he nearly spilt her drink on the tablecloth.

"Don't be sorry, -_hiccough-_. It's the only bit of excitement I really ever get these days." he said, swaying back and forth.

"I'm so glad you could join me for dinner." said Sir Integral, getting up. "And now, I shall retire to bed." she gave Walter a meaningful look. Walter stood up as straight as he could.

"Same procedure as last year, Sir?"

"Same procedure as every year, Walter."

"Well, I'll try my very -_hiccough- _best."

They went up the stairs together.

Seras looked at Alucard. He had stood up, walked around the table, and was ready to leave. She looked at him meaningfully.

"No." he said.

"Please?" she asked.

"_No_." he said.

"Pretty please? I promise to drink more blood…" she added with a grin. "And I'll practise more with the Halcannon…"

"Oh, _fine_."

"Say it properly!"

Alucard sighed.

"Same procedure as last year, Police Girl?"

"Same procedure every year, Master!" she said cheerfully, got up, walked around the table, tripped over the tiger skin rug, fell into Alucard's arms, and they disappeared through the wall.

The End!

I hope you liked it. Typing it was redundant.


End file.
